The widow diary

Just realised that 6 years ago was Saturday as well... It was a heatwave as well... You felt asleep while I read to you "Bob the cat"... Poor Bob, run by a car a few years ago, I wonder if you meet the little ginger cat in heaven and asked for an autograph! Just before falling asleep, I just felt so much love for you and though how you were the right person for me... I turned around and you were sleeping so peauceful that I didnt dare to wake you up to just tell you that, instead I lay a kiss in your back... How I regret it now! I wish I had wake you up and told you how much I loved you (once more) and how I couldn't be without you... That you were perfect for me... my other half, as they say... Would you still be here if I had wake you up to tell you how much I needed you in my life? How important you were (are) for me? How I wanted to get old together with you? Even if both of us get demencia in old age, and keep forgetting and remembering each other several times a da...

James and I had a dream of buying our own property one day... To be on the property ladder!... I remember going on walks with James and when we saw a house we liked we used to say "one day"! And then we smiled and kissed... Our dream house was a 2-3 bed house with a little garden, a drive, a garage (for the Van!) and a little conservatory in the back where we could do a winter garden, have a sofa and a little wood burning stove... That would be the dream! Oh, and a big kitchen! James loved to cook and me to bake! We would had another cat besides Kiko, a company for Kiko and maybe a dog too?! We had so many dreams... Dreams of a simple happy life together... I managed to get part of the dream this week... alone... I got into the property ladder, I am the proud owner of a flat! It has outside space and even garage and parking spot... I got the garage James... But, even though I am happy with this achivement, it still feels a little empty and sad... I should be achiving this w...

Today would be our 10th anniversary... Tin anniversary...That symbolizes a love that is strong yet always evolving... My love for him is still strong and I guess still evolving... because now is a different love from when he was alive, is a love based on the memories of the love that we had for each other and in what it could be... is a love that will be always with me... and even if I decide to have someone new in my life in the future, my love for James will still be there with me...

Is that time of the year again... The time to be Merry and full of Christmas Spirit... Something hard for a widow (or someone grieving). But this year it feels a little different for me... I still miss James immensely and wish he was here, alive with me… But I guess that I am accepting that will not happen… I guess after more than 5 years I would have to accept, right?! Could be the fact of so many changes (positive) in the last few months, that gave me a more positive outlook… I was video calling a friend the other day, an old friend, that already saw me through many things, and she told me that I looked happier, that I finally looked happy again! And as I say this my eyes get clouded with tears… It is true… I am happier, I am happy again… Not in the same way I was before James passed, but happy in the way I am living now, without him, but with him still strong in my heart… Accepting my life is different now, that I am different now, but that I can still be happy… I can still find...

Today I was one of the Baton of Hope beares for the 2025 tour in Kent and Medway. It was so emotional... Almost everyone there had lost someone to suicide. So many people there had struggled/struggles with their own mental health... But we were all there to support each other and to give hope to others that are struggling! Suicide is the biggest killer of young adults in Europe... We need to raise even more awaress about mental helth and suicide prevention! It is ok not to be ok, it is ok to ask help! Thank you if you had donated for my fundraising for Baton of Hope Uk!

When I lost James to suicide I had to give a statement to police. It was 2020, Covid19 lockdown time... the statment was over phone. I was in shock with what had happened. English is not my first language. Looking back, Covid or not Covid the police should had come to me to take the statement and with them a mental health counselor... I wasn't given any support from the police. I was asked a statement by the phone, told that just the coroner and the police would read it... Which wasn't correct... They wanted to know how he was during his last months, and made me tell very personal things in that statement, but I wnated to help to find out what had happened, what made him do that... also, I was assure all was private, just between me, the police and the coroner... Then I find out his mother had access to my statement, and that others could request the paperwork for his inquest, because it was public... That my statement could be read in the court and that even the press could be...

Today makes 5 years since we talked last time... is still so surreal that you aren't here... I miss you so much... I love you as much, or even more, than I loved you 5 years ago... Tomorrow you will be gone for longer than the time we were together, and that is bothering me so much... turning everything even harder... I am trying to keep busy... I have a full day tomorrow with work events... I don't want to think in what happened 5 years ago tomorrow... is too painful... I wish you were here... so many things happened these last 5 years... Are you proud of me babe? Every time I achieve something you are the first person in my mind... I want so much to share all with you... but you aren't here anymore... and is so painful... I know you didn't believe, but I do, so I went to the church today to light a candle for you... It was so peaceful there... I love you meu amor...

When you are widow/er soner or latter your friends will start trying to find you a new love... Then you start to think, "but I still love my late partner, I will love them forever! Why my friends are so disrespectful towards my partner?! They used to be friends too!!!" I am sure they told that because they love and cares about you… They want you to be happy again. I am almost 5 years in, I still didn’t had anyone besides my James, but is just because I still didn’t found someone that could make me happy like he did, or maybe because I wasn’t/am ready yet… but I believe he would want me to be happy and find someone new to share my adventures and misadventures… Even if you find someone new that doesn’t mean you stopped loving your late partner.... your love for them never ends, it will be always there with you…. You just opened your heart to more love… When someone have kids, for example, they don't stop loving the first kid after having another, right? Love is something t...

It is your birthday... he would be 38... forever 33... I hope you like the roses... I couldn't find sunglowers, I guess is not their season yet... I miss you so much... This morning I was thinking on your last birthday alive... I cooked your favourite food and got you a chocolate cake! I still look at the video of us singing happy birthday to you, sometimes... Is a way to remember your smile and voice... Oh meu amor... Why? I miss you so much... If I could have just one wish was to have you back, even if just for 5 minutes, so we could hug and kiss again and know why... I wish I could go back in time... be a time lord like Dr Who and manage to convince you that you were doing the biggest mistake of your live in that day... I love you... Happy birthday meu amor! Amo-te...

Easter is a time of renewal and new beginnings. Let us embrace this season to transform the negatives in our lives into positives — to turn grief, anger, and pain into hope for brighter days ahead. And may we use it to guide others gently toward the light of hope, even in their darkest moments.

"Don't you know? [...] Don't any of you know? That it's you. Not what you can give, or do, or provide. Just you." (A breath of snow and ashes, Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. I wish he knew... but I guess when you are struggling with your mental helth you don't know... he didn't knew... I wish he had...

When you start your journey of bereavement, people say it will get better with time… People doesn’t know what they are talking about!!! Of course, the shock from the beginning passes, but the grief and the pain?! Oh, that one stays… I am not sad every day, of course not, but is like I miss him even more now more than 4 years after he passed. I guess is that felling of me having to keep moving, to keep living, and he is still there, freeze in the past. Like my love for him… is still there, it will be always there… We aren’t together because we had a fight and decided to end our relationship, we aren’t together because he is dead! And that leaves me like if I was in a limbo… for the world, I am single, but for me I am not, at least I don’t feel like that. I want to… I want to move forward, to meet someone nice, etc, etc, etc… But at the same time, I just can’t… Everything is so contradictory… Sometimes, I still think about joining him… I miss him… and grief is a real pain in the back… ...

I always was a big Bridget Jones fan... I saw all the movies and read all the books... I actually read the last book before widowhood… When I saw the movie "Bridget Jones baby" I remember to complain that the movie didn’t had nothing to do with the books. And that the books were so much better etc… I was so sad for her loss when I read the last book, and I remember to think how hard that much had been (if she was a real person of course)… But I found her inspiring... Mr Darcy was the love of her life and even though he dies she still loves him... She still carries his memory and love with her while she moves forward with her life... She cannot crystallize in that moment... She have 2 kids, she needs to keep going for them... Then in 2020 James passed… I could relate even more with that pain… thinking of that book always gave me hope… I mean if Bridget can so can I, right?… Today I went to see the movie based on the last book, "Mad about the boy"... I went with othe...

Tomorrow would had been our 9th anniversary... Ceramic or Wicker anniversary... Today was a hard day... he was the person I most needed to talk to... I need his shoulder... his hug... But he is not here and I am without his hug to comfort and reassure me... It will be 5 years in July that he took his life, and in days like today all that pain and grief is as raw as when he died... I know I should be gentle with myself and take a day at a time, but sometimes is so hard... My life did not got better without you James... it got much worse...

Another year starts... 2025... He is staying more far away from me, though the pain and "saudade" is the same, or even more sometimes... Last night I dreamed about him, that he came back... that he hadn't died... he had been lost and was rescued by a secret and dangerous community... And it was the best feeling to having him again, alive... But then I started asking questions... Why didn't you send news sooner? Why did you let me believe you were dead? Why did you let me suffer? Do you have any idea what I've been through? How was I treated by some people after you died?!… Your face when I told you about that... You couldn't believe the way these people treated me... We hug and with kiss... And then my brain decided to turn all into a Mexican telenovela! You tell me you couldn't leave there because you got kids therr with some women from that community... I snap at you and tell you how could you?! During all this time I was alone, not even a kiss I share...

Another Christmas is here... In my memory our last Christmas is still vivid... It will always be... It was my last truly happy Christmas... Because you were with me... We were so happy... With our Christmas jumpers... I miss you James... Amor da minha vida... Grief is a funny thing... you think you are managing it and then, BUM! Sometimes I wish I just could fall asleep and just wake up when all this season was gone... But at the same time I like to remember all our past Christmas together... all our sweet memories... Sometimes is like you are still here... chilling with me in bed having a cuddle... The grief now is not as raw as 4 years ago, but is still there, always lurking in the backgrownd... I still ask myself how I managed to survive! I still don't have the anwser for that... I guess I just learned to grow around the grief, cushioning the pain of your death with new memories and experiences... Though is always there, trying to escape through some slit in the layers of cus...

December again... the year went so fast... And everywhere you go is Christmas season... Since James passed I stopped enjoying Christmas season... it was too painful... Christmas was our season... We had a big Christmas tree and always tried to get the best sweet present to each other... silly things to make us smile... Since he passed I stopped having a Christmas tree or Christmas decorations at home... I didn't feel ready to celebrate it without him, it was like I didn't feel the Christmas season now that he wasn't here... This year I started to feel it again... not like before, but I started to feel some of the merry of the season... I was in the supermarket and I saw a cute little tree, a really mini Christmas tree... Something inside of me told me to get it, "James would like it"! So for the first time in 4 years I have once again a Christmas tree... Is alive, very small and I just put some lights, but it makes me happy to look at it... I feel like a big ach...

I just got a notification on Facebook, 7 years ago I passed my PhD viva... I was really nervous for the Viva, and James always belived me and was my biggest supporter... On that day I wake up to a postcard and chocolates he had left for me wishing me good luck! I miss him so much... I miss having him cheering me and beliving in me... I miss to get home to him and tell him all about my day... the good and the bad things... I got a promotion at work recently, and he was the person I wanted to tell it... but he wasn't there... I got home and I just could tell it to the walls and to Kiko... none of each will reply to me back and celebrate with me... I miss to celebrate little and big things with him...

In Portugal on the 1st of November is holiday. We celebrate our deseased loved ones. Families adorn the graves of their deseased with flowers and candles, they reunite around the grave that day to listen the blessing from the priest to the dead ones and to pray and remember their beloved deseased. You visit graves of friends and family to pay respect to their memory, you leave flowers or a candle in the grave and talk and remember them with the other friends or family members that are around the grave doing the same... I remember to be at my grandparents grave and people coming and talking about them and how good people they were. My dad and his siblings talking about when they were kids and some funny story envolving them and my grandparents... I always liked to share about when my granddad told me stories from his youth as a shepherd... Being at their grave was like we were with them again, closer... and I always liked to tell them my news... Actually, even during the year I liked to...

When I started this blog last December I did it to help me to put out how it was to be a young widow and suicide loss survival. I never though I would win a prize for my rambles... I am glad that is reaching people, because one of my goals was to my journey to help others in a similar path to see that there is hope, it is hard but we can keep going, some times two steps forward and one backwards, but it is possible to live after loss... Hopefully my words will reach people struggling with their mental health, and help them see that suicide is not the solution, that their pain will just pass on for the ones that love them. This prize is very special for me because it was given to me by other young widowers. Meaning part of what I wished to achieve is happening. So, thank you for reading and for deciding to choose my little blog for this prize! If you want to read more about WAY: https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/ and about this prize: https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/news/congratu...