The widow diary

It is your birthday... he would be 38... forever 33... I hope you like the roses... I couldn't find sunglowers, I guess is not their season yet... I miss you so much... This morning I was thinking on your last birthday alive... I cooked your favourite food and got you a chocolate cake! I still look at the video of us singing happy birthday to you, sometimes... Is a way to remember your smile and voice... Oh meu amor... Why? I miss you so much... If I could have just one wish was to have you back, even if just for 5 minutes, so we could hug and kiss again and know why... I wish I could go back in time... be a time lord like Dr Who and manage to convince you that you were doing the biggest mistake of your live in that day... I love you... Happy birthday meu amor! Amo-te...

Easter is a time of renewal and new beginnings. Let us embrace this season to transform the negatives in our lives into positives — to turn grief, anger, and pain into hope for brighter days ahead. And may we use it to guide others gently toward the light of hope, even in their darkest moments.

"Don't you know? [...] Don't any of you know? That it's you. Not what you can give, or do, or provide. Just you." (A breath of snow and ashes, Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. I wish he knew... but I guess when you are struggling with your mental helth you don't know... he didn't knew... I wish he had...

When you start your journey of bereavement, people say it will get better with time… People doesn’t know what they are talking about!!! Of course, the shock from the beginning passes, but the grief and the pain?! Oh, that one stays… I am not sad every day, of course not, but is like I miss him even more now more than 4 years after he passed. I guess is that felling of me having to keep moving, to keep living, and he is still there, freeze in the past. Like my love for him… is still there, it will be always there… We aren’t together because we had a fight and decided to end our relationship, we aren’t together because he is dead! And that leaves me like if I was in a limbo… for the world, I am single, but for me I am not, at least I don’t feel like that. I want to… I want to move forward, to meet someone nice, etc, etc, etc… But at the same time, I just can’t… Everything is so contradictory… Sometimes, I still think about joining him… I miss him… and grief is a real pain in the back… ...

I always was a big Bridget Jones fan... I saw all the movies and read all the books... I actually read the last book before widowhood… When I saw the movie "Bridget Jones baby" I remember to complain that the movie didn’t had nothing to do with the books. And that the books were so much better etc… I was so sad for her loss when I read the last book, and I remember to think how hard that much had been (if she was a real person of course)… But I found her inspiring... Mr Darcy was the love of her life and even though he dies she still loves him... She still carries his memory and love with her while she moves forward with her life... She cannot crystallize in that moment... She have 2 kids, she needs to keep going for them... Then in 2020 James passed… I could relate even more with that pain… thinking of that book always gave me hope… I mean if Bridget can so can I, right?… Today I went to see the movie based on the last book, "Mad about the boy"... I went with othe...

Tomorrow would had been our 9th anniversary... Ceramic or Wicker anniversary... Today was a hard day... he was the person I most needed to talk to... I need his shoulder... his hug... But he is not here and I am without his hug to comfort and reassure me... It will be 5 years in July that he took his life, and in days like today all that pain and grief is as raw as when he died... I know I should be gentle with myself and take a day at a time, but sometimes is so hard... My life did not got better without you James... it got much worse...