The widow diary

Today would be our 10th anniversary... Tin anniversary...That symbolizes a love that is strong yet always evolving... My love for him is still strong and I guess still evolving... because now is a different love from when he was alive, is a love based on the memories of the love that we had for each other and in what it could be... is a love that will be always with me... and even if I decide to have someone new in my life in the future, my love for James will still be there with me...

Is that time of the year again... The time to be Merry and full of Christmas Spirit... Something hard for a widow (or someone grieving). But this year it feels a little different for me... I still miss James immensely and wish he was here, alive with me… But I guess that I am accepting that will not happen… I guess after more than 5 years I would have to accept, right?! Could be the fact of so many changes (positive) in the last few months, that gave me a more positive outlook… I was video calling a friend the other day, an old friend, that already saw me through many things, and she told me that I looked happier, that I finally looked happy again! And as I say this my eyes get clouded with tears… It is true… I am happier, I am happy again… Not in the same way I was before James passed, but happy in the way I am living now, without him, but with him still strong in my heart… Accepting my life is different now, that I am different now, but that I can still be happy… I can still find...

Today I was one of the Baton of Hope beares for the 2025 tour in Kent and Medway. It was so emotional... Almost everyone there had lost someone to suicide. So many people there had struggled/struggles with their own mental health... But we were all there to support each other and to give hope to others that are struggling! Suicide is the biggest killer of young adults in Europe... We need to raise even more awaress about mental helth and suicide prevention! It is ok not to be ok, it is ok to ask help! Thank you if you had donated for my fundraising for Baton of Hope Uk!

When I lost James to suicide I had to give a statement to police. It was 2020, Covid19 lockdown time... the statment was over phone. I was in shock with what had happened. English is not my first language. Looking back, Covid or not Covid the police should had come to me to take the statement and with them a mental health counselor... I wasn't given any support from the police. I was asked a statement by the phone, told that just the coroner and the police would read it... Which wasn't correct... They wanted to know how he was during his last months, and made me tell very personal things in that statement, but I wnated to help to find out what had happened, what made him do that... also, I was assure all was private, just between me, the police and the coroner... Then I find out his mother had access to my statement, and that others could request the paperwork for his inquest, because it was public... That my statement could be read in the court and that even the press could be...

Today makes 5 years since we talked last time... is still so surreal that you aren't here... I miss you so much... I love you as much, or even more, than I loved you 5 years ago... Tomorrow you will be gone for longer than the time we were together, and that is bothering me so much... turning everything even harder... I am trying to keep busy... I have a full day tomorrow with work events... I don't want to think in what happened 5 years ago tomorrow... is too painful... I wish you were here... so many things happened these last 5 years... Are you proud of me babe? Every time I achieve something you are the first person in my mind... I want so much to share all with you... but you aren't here anymore... and is so painful... I know you didn't believe, but I do, so I went to the church today to light a candle for you... It was so peaceful there... I love you meu amor...

When you are widow/er soner or latter your friends will start trying to find you a new love... Then you start to think, "but I still love my late partner, I will love them forever! Why my friends are so disrespectful towards my partner?! They used to be friends too!!!" I am sure they told that because they love and cares about you… They want you to be happy again. I am almost 5 years in, I still didn’t had anyone besides my James, but is just because I still didn’t found someone that could make me happy like he did, or maybe because I wasn’t/am ready yet… but I believe he would want me to be happy and find someone new to share my adventures and misadventures… Even if you find someone new that doesn’t mean you stopped loving your late partner.... your love for them never ends, it will be always there with you…. You just opened your heart to more love… When someone have kids, for example, they don't stop loving the first kid after having another, right? Love is something t...