2025

Another year starts... 2025... He is staying more far away from me, though the pain and "saudade" is the same, or even more sometimes... Last night I dreamed about him, that he came back... that he hadn't died... he had been lost and was rescued by a secret and dangerous community... And it was the best feeling to having him again, alive... But then I started asking questions... Why didn't you send news sooner? Why did you let me believe you were dead? Why did you let me suffer? Do you have any idea what I've been through? How was I treated by some people after you died?!… Your face when I told you about that... You couldn't believe the way these people treated me... We hug and with kiss... And then my brain decided to turn all into a Mexican telenovela! You tell me you couldn't leave there because you got kids therr with some women from that community... I snap at you and tell you how could you?! During all this time I was alone, not even a kiss I shared with another person!!! I was devastated! I couldn't stop crying... Then I wake up... it was just a dream... he didn't come back... but now I am here... alone in my bed... crying... I know is just my brain playing with me... probably trying to make me missing him less by making me thinking he wanted to be away... Grief is hard... and days luje today makes it even harder...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Día de los Muertos

Image
In Portugal on the 1st of November is holiday. We celebrate our deseased loved ones. Families adorn the graves of their deseased with flowers and candles, they reunite around the grave that day to listen the blessing from the priest to the dead ones and to pray and remember their beloved deseased. You visit graves of friends and family to pay respect to their memory, you leave flowers or a candle in the grave and talk and remember them with the other friends or family members that are around the grave doing the same... I remember to be at my grandparents grave and people coming and talking about them and how good people they were. My dad and his siblings talking about when they were kids and some funny story envolving them and my grandparents... I always liked to share about when my granddad told me stories from his youth as a shepherd... Being at their grave was like we were with them again, closer... and I always liked to tell them my news... Actually, even during the year I liked to...
Read more

Why now?

Image
  On the 9th of July 2020 my life was changed forever… The love of my life passed… we were together for 4 years and a few months. Unfortunately, we weren’t married yet, for us that was just a paper, we already saw each other as married, we moved in together after 6 months… we knew we were meant to each other! It’s been hard these last 3 years and something… not having James physically with me… but I like to believe that he is always with me in spirit, looking after me and our little cat, Kiko! I really don’t know where I would be without Kiko! He is still the reason for me to get out of the bed every day! He is why I am still here, because if I am not here who will look after him?  I was just 40 when James passed, I know, too young to be widow, but I guess death doesn’t choose… I wish we had more years together, we had so many plans…  So why did I decided to start a blog more than 3 years after his death? Well because I feel that sharing my experience with others could he...
Read more

Another year ends without you…

Image
2023 is almost finished… another year ends without you… another year starts and you aren’t here to see it… The end of the year and the start of the year, in my opinion, is even harder than Christmas for someone bereft… for who is in the first year they will have to say they lost their loved one last year, and that makes it feel they are gone for so long… we realise how far away is our happy days with them and that we will have to live the rest of our lives without them. That they will not be here for all the important and non important things that will happen to us in the next year (s)… This will be the fourth new year without James… I cannot believe it is already this long and at the same time it still feels so unreal and that he was still alive yesterday… since I met James I always spend the New Year’s Eve with him, he was my last and my first kiss and hug of the year… now I end and start the year crying because he is not here… the last three New Year’s Eves I spend in Portugal, and ...
Read more