The widow diary

11 years ago I arrived to the UK... I was just to spend 6 months here, Spring and Summer, and then go back to Barcelona... Things changed, the schorship I was hoping to get didn't happened in the end and at the same time I was wasked if I would like to stay longer at the job I was. I told yes and a few weeks later I was offered a PhD in a different research institute... And then my stay in the UK was made more permanent, at least more 3 to 4 years to do the PhD. I had friends and a PhD to keep me busy, I wasn't really looking for someone... I mean, I dated, of course, but not in the way of this is the one... Until February 2016, when I met James... Is funny that when I met James I though we wouldn't last, though I just knew he would be my boyfrind when I put eyes on his Tinder profile, I just knew we would end up together. But we met, and had a few dates and then he travelled to the USA for a training course he had booked before meeting me. He was to be away for almost one...

Today is Day of Reflection in the Uk. This day was created by Marie Curie UK charity (https://www.instagram.com/p/C2Rq0mmuv0h/?igsh=YWpkYXlkZ3htZWVp). We are invited to remember everyone who died during the pandemic, whatever the cause, and to show support for everyone who was bereaved. I am sharing here a photo of my James, helping me with my potatoes during my PhD studies... He died too soon and too young in July 2020... But, while I am alive he will live through me, I will never let him be forgotten! I will say his name, I will talk about him, I will love him until my last day... I love you forever, James, love of my life... #reflexctionday #neverforgotten

Today it would be our 8th anniversary, the Clay or Poppy anniversary... Clay symbolizes malleability, which is always necessary during a relationship, and it also means conservation, where keeping the best memories of the best moments together are essential. The poppy, as a flower, is also placed as a symbol of this anniversary, because flowers are part of good times and the main celebrations of life, so nothing better than it being part of a date as special as this one. Funny that actually poppies are my favourite flowers... This year he will be dead as long as we were together, which is the most weird thing, like next year he will be dead for longer than the time we were together!! How come that is fair?! 8 years ago, when we weren't together (we lived around 15 miles apart in our first 6 months, then we moved in together) we used to use Skype to video chat (photo above). He used to think he looked weird on the camera, and that I always looked amazing and sexy! Oh I miss to be ...

When James passed we just had the talk about if we should or shouldn't have kids... At the time we concluded that we still had time and we would think about it in the next year or so... Then a week later James was dead... A couple of weeks after his passing, for my disappointment, my period arrieved in all its glory... That was another layer of loss and grief to add... The possibility of having a baby with James... Of keeping a piece of him with me, a little being that was a mixture of both of us and a continuation of our love and of James... Before he passed having a baby wasn't something I really needed. I was happy with our life as it was, we had Kiko (the cat), and that was already a big responsability! But after James passing, don't having anymore the option of having a baby was tough! Because it was a option that was taken from me... In the weeks before my period arrival, I still had the hope of being pregnant of our baby. I could see him already in my mind, yes hi...

In 2016 Stephen Buckley (Mind’s Head of Information) said: “Blue Monday contributes to damaging misconceptions about depression and trivialises an illness that can be life threatening. 1 in 6 people will experience depression during their life. It can be extremely debilitating with common symptoms including inability to sleep, seeing no point in the future, feeling disconnected from other people and experiencing suicidal thoughts." (see all post here:https://www.mind.org.uk/news-campaigns/news/busting-the-blue-monday-myth-with-blueanyday/). In 2020 I lost the love of my life to depression... On the 9th of July 2020, more than 24 hours since I last had contact with him (or anyone had contact with him), I got the police knocking at our door with the most devastating news I ever, and would ever received, James had took his own life... I was all day wishing not to receive such news...hoping that he had just had some kind of accident and was somehow trapped in his van and couldn...

My parents and I at Stonehenge. My parents already left to Portugal, I am alone again with little Kiko… It was good to have them here, a quiete Christmas and New Year’s Eve. We talked a lot about James and how amazing he was… We visited his grave so he wasn’t alone over the festive period…There were tears between me and my mum when remembering him… I could tell my dad was felling emotional too, but someone needs to keep the face straight… James was always with us… We always talked about him or raised a glass to him… He was so especial… Also, according to my mum his roast potatoes were much better than the ones I made!  I liked they could see how I live now without James, that even though my heart is broken I am surviving and living a good life… they met some of my friends and they could see I have support from them, they could see I am keeping busy, and my dad even went to a self defence class with me! But they had to go back to their lives… the house fells so empty now… I forgot h...

2023 is almost finished… another year ends without you… another year starts and you aren’t here to see it… The end of the year and the start of the year, in my opinion, is even harder than Christmas for someone bereft… for who is in the first year they will have to say they lost their loved one last year, and that makes it feel they are gone for so long… we realise how far away is our happy days with them and that we will have to live the rest of our lives without them. That they will not be here for all the important and non important things that will happen to us in the next year (s)… This will be the fourth new year without James… I cannot believe it is already this long and at the same time it still feels so unreal and that he was still alive yesterday… since I met James I always spend the New Year’s Eve with him, he was my last and my first kiss and hug of the year… now I end and start the year crying because he is not here… the last three New Year’s Eves I spend in Portugal, and ...