Blue Monday

In 2016 Stephen Buckley (Mind’s Head of Information) said: “Blue Monday contributes to damaging misconceptions about depression and trivialises an illness that can be life threatening. 1 in 6 people will experience depression during their life. It can be extremely debilitating with common symptoms including inability to sleep, seeing no point in the future, feeling disconnected from other people and experiencing suicidal thoughts." (see all post here:https://www.mind.org.uk/news-campaigns/news/busting-the-blue-monday-myth-with-blueanyday/). In 2020 I lost the love of my life to depression... On the 9th of July 2020, more than 24 hours since I last had contact with him (or anyone had contact with him), I got the police knocking at our door with the most devastating news I ever, and would ever received, James had took his own life... I was all day wishing not to receive such news...hoping that he had just had some kind of accident and was somehow trapped in his van and couldn't get to the phone to ask help, or that someone had kidnaped him and will only release him when they could get all the money he had in his bank account (it had happened in Portugal before, why not here in the UK?)... anything but that he was dead... That he had decided that his time had arrived... How could that be? I mean, he was just 33, healthy, strong, handson, etc, etc, etc... But behind all that he wasn't that healthy afterall... He had what I call the cancer of the mind: DEPRESSION! For him, without my knowlage, all mondays were blue... When I noticed something was wrong was too late... He always tried to hide from me and from everybody... He was always smiling... So when he took his own live it was a surprise for everyone... I noticed he started struggling around May 2020, after his grandad passed, but he dismissed me, saying everything was ok, he was just sad, etc... by June I was really worried and begged him to seek professional help. I knew, I couldn't help him. I was always there to listen, but I didn't knew what else to do. The death of his gradad was just the last drop to make the water spill...Three years prior he had already struggled with his mental health, when his dad colapsed while in a walk and passed unexpectedly. But we worked through that and together he manage to pull in out of that darkeness... Of course we had our ups and downs, like all couples, but we were happy... We were really happy! Is sad to think that deep down he wasn't that happy and that probably the sadness was always with him and he was just hiding it from me, so I wouln't worry with him... He always told, especially in his last weeks, that he didn't want to be a burden to people, especially to me. But I though he was talking about when we get really old and with demencia, and told him we would be two oldies forgetting and remembering each other and the love we have for each other every day... I also, used to tell him he would be changing my dippers when we got older, so he would never be a burden... I wish, when James was struggling so much I could had seen the signs... But I didn't... I could't reconise them because I wasn't aware... Besides, we had plans together! Why would he take his own life?! We had plans for the weekend and for the following week. He told me he was missing me (he was working away of home that week), and that as soon as the work ended on Friday he would come straigh home... He told me he was feeling so much better, and that I was right, he should go see the GP next week (because he was to be off work) and ask something to helping him sleep better and deal with all that anxiety he was feeling latly... I belived him, how could't I? He really seemed better, like the old James... He made some jokes and everything and told some spicy stuff he would do to me when he was back home... Oh! I miss him so much... Since he took his own life, all my Mondays started to be blue as well...His Blue Mondays pain just migrated to me... His pain, the pain that made him took such desesperate measure, passed to me... Suicide is like that, it does't stop the pain, just keeps passing it through to the people that stay. But, I decided I would not let it pass through me. I decided it would stop on me. Taking medication and do therapy is no shame, asking help is no shame! I asked help! I am still learning (and I think until the end of my days I will) how to live my life without James and with the pain inside me... But like I told a frind today, that went through a loss this year (different loss but still very painful one), we need to take our time, sometimes a minute at a time, but we will grow around our pain, and with time it will be easier, because the new layers of life will help to cushion the pain... Since July 2020 I already wrapped myself in new life layers, that helped me to keep going... I will try to keep as much busy as I can tomorrow, so the Blue Monday don't catch me... Remember, is OK not to be OK, and please, ask help if you are struggling, is no shame to do therapy or even take medication! The important thing is to treat that cancer of the mind that is making you having Blue Mondays... #BlueMonday #Mentalhealthawareness #suicideprevention #isoknottobeok #demystifydepression Image source: https://www.fashioncapital.co.uk/insights/mondaymotivation-staying-positive-this-blue-monday/