Another year ends without you…

2023 is almost finished… another year ends without you… another year starts and you aren’t here to see it… The end of the year and the start of the year, in my opinion, is even harder than Christmas for someone bereft… for who is in the first year they will have to say they lost their loved one last year, and that makes it feel they are gone for so long… we realise how far away is our happy days with them and that we will have to live the rest of our lives without them. That they will not be here for all the important and non important things that will happen to us in the next year (s)… This will be the fourth new year without James… I cannot believe it is already this long and at the same time it still feels so unreal and that he was still alive yesterday… since I met James I always spend the New Year’s Eve with him, he was my last and my first kiss and hug of the year… now I end and start the year crying because he is not here… the last three New Year’s Eves I spend in Portugal, and my little dog Faísca, always tried to console me…this year I will not have Faísca as well, he crossed the rainbow bridge on Boxing Day… this year besides James I will be missing Faísca too… I still didn’t decided if I will wait for the midnight or if I will go to bed before, so I wouldn’t see the New Year starting… 
How can I have survived so long without James? I still ask this question every day to myself… I know he wouldn’t want to see me going before my time, so I keep alive for both of us… I have to live for me and for him… I have to do things he would like to do/try… so when is my time and I join him I can tell him all about my adventures while I waited to join him again…
You may think it is too hard to be here without your loved one, that you should join them… but believe me, your pain will not stop with your death, it will just passed to the ones that love you and stay here… it is a vicious cycle… I know that because I lost James to suicide. In his head his death would fix and turn everything better for us that stayed, but it was quite the opposite… his pain just migrated to me and to who loved him… Our lives got worse and sadder because he is not here to illuminate them with his smile and laugh…
So if you are grieving, please be gentle with yourself, do what makes sense to you, if like me you aren’t sure if you want to see the New Year starting, go to bed early, cry if you need, because crying helps to release the sadness, scream if you want, but be gentle with yourself… 
Hope you have a peaceful 2024…

James and I on our last New Year’s Eve together (2019 to 2020)

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