A new future…

When James passed we just had the talk about if we should or shouldn't have kids... At the time we concluded that we still had time and we would think about it in the next year or so... Then a week later James was dead... A couple of weeks after his passing, for my disappointment, my period arrieved in all its glory... That was another layer of loss and grief to add... The possibility of having a baby with James... Of keeping a piece of him with me, a little being that was a mixture of both of us and a continuation of our love and of James... Before he passed having a baby wasn't something I really needed. I was happy with our life as it was, we had Kiko (the cat), and that was already a big responsability! But after James passing, don't having anymore the option of having a baby was tough! Because it was a option that was taken from me... In the weeks before my period arrival, I still had the hope of being pregnant of our baby. I could see him already in my mind, yes him... In my mind it was a little boy, with ginger hair and cheeky smile like his dad... He would give me lots of white hairs, because like his dad he would like to get into dangerous adventures! He would climb trees and cliffs like his dad used to do! And above all, he would be a constant reminder of James and our love! He would be the part of James that would stay over... And I hoped for that to be true, so much that when my period arrived I cry for that baby that never existed besides in my mind... Physically I didn't had a miscarriage, but still I mourn that baby that never existed besides in my mind... Being a young widow is not easy... We don't lose just a partner, we lose all the future we had envisioned for us, from little things to big things... It takes time to accept our new lives and to start to see a new future for us... A very different one from the one we had planned before widowhood... But, little by little we start to see glimps of a new life, a new future... We start to learn to move forward and keep all the good memories with us, but always carrying with us all the love we had/have for/from them... They always will be a part of us, they always will be with us, no matter what happen! I am who I am now because of my love and loss of James...

Comments

  1. Wolvesbane Wolfsram28/11/2024, 20:19

    Dear Cláudia,

    It’s me again.. with my artist name and not my official civic name…



    I wanted to say: My heart goes out to you…. I miss him and I miss those possibilities of our kids being somewhere… Please, don’t take it the wrong way, but here’s what helps me for some time: watching series with relatable characters - and so far I find Wanda the most relatable.. or the lady from Peppermint…


    Eitherway, as you said: They will always be a part of us, no matter what happens!


    ReplyDelete

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