The widow diary

When James passed we just had the talk about if we should or shouldn't have kids... At the time we concluded that we still had time and we would think about it in the next year or so... Then a week later James was dead... A couple of weeks after his passing, for my disappointment, my period arrieved in all its glory... That was another layer of loss and grief to add... The possibility of having a baby with James... Of keeping a piece of him with me, a little being that was a mixture of both of us and a continuation of our love and of James... Before he passed having a baby wasn't something I really needed. I was happy with our life as it was, we had Kiko (the cat), and that was already a big responsability! But after James passing, don't having anymore the option of having a baby was tough! Because it was a option that was taken from me... In the weeks before my period arrival, I still had the hope of being pregnant of our baby. I could see him already in my mind, yes hi...

In 2016 Stephen Buckley (Mind’s Head of Information) said: “Blue Monday contributes to damaging misconceptions about depression and trivialises an illness that can be life threatening. 1 in 6 people will experience depression during their life. It can be extremely debilitating with common symptoms including inability to sleep, seeing no point in the future, feeling disconnected from other people and experiencing suicidal thoughts." (see all post here:https://www.mind.org.uk/news-campaigns/news/busting-the-blue-monday-myth-with-blueanyday/). In 2020 I lost the love of my life to depression... On the 9th of July 2020, more than 24 hours since I last had contact with him (or anyone had contact with him), I got the police knocking at our door with the most devastating news I ever, and would ever received, James had took his own life... I was all day wishing not to receive such news...hoping that he had just had some kind of accident and was somehow trapped in his van and couldn...

My parents and I at Stonehenge. My parents already left to Portugal, I am alone again with little Kiko… It was good to have them here, a quiete Christmas and New Year’s Eve. We talked a lot about James and how amazing he was… We visited his grave so he wasn’t alone over the festive period…There were tears between me and my mum when remembering him… I could tell my dad was felling emotional too, but someone needs to keep the face straight… James was always with us… We always talked about him or raised a glass to him… He was so especial… Also, according to my mum his roast potatoes were much better than the ones I made!  I liked they could see how I live now without James, that even though my heart is broken I am surviving and living a good life… they met some of my friends and they could see I have support from them, they could see I am keeping busy, and my dad even went to a self defence class with me! But they had to go back to their lives… the house fells so empty now… I forgot h...