Wake me up when December ends…



December can be a very tough month for someone bereft, especially if you have lost the love of your life and your partner… your person, yep, the person you choose to share your life with until you are really old and needing dippers…

WAY (Widowed and Young) is an UK charity that supports people like me, that lost their partners at young age… when we are too young to be widowed… And we have some private Facebook groups (for example for people that have/likes cats, for widows with kids, for widows without Kids, etc…), and scrolling through one of the groups (I don’t remember which one) I saw a post from a fellow widow saying “wake me up when December ends”… And that made me think in how hard December is for us… while everyone is happy and merry buying presents for their loved ones and preparing everything to have a lovely time with their loved ones, we are aching because the person we most wanted to be here to spend this special time of the year with us is not here, at least physically… The present we really wanted was their presence, a hug and a kiss from them… but that is something it will not happen… also, we don’t want to spoil the season for others around us, so we put our “happy face” mask… because unfortunately, for so many it is still very uncomfortable to be near someone grieving, like if it was a disease and you could pass it to them… also, you really don’t want to be look with condescension…

December is as well the last month of the year, so after December comes a new year, so you feel you are even further apart from your person, and when you are in the first year is even harder because you will have to start to say I lost my partner last year… this will be my fourth Christmas without James… the previous ones I always end up crying… it is hard to have a big Portuguese family… sometimes is overwhelming… they just want to cheer you up and see you happy… but then you feel you need to look happy for them and so they don’t get worried with you and it is exhausting!!!

This Christmas I am not going to Portugal… my parents will come to me, and I am really happy for that! I am excited for Christmas for the first time since James passed, because I know it will be a small affair… me, my parents and Kiko… I know I will not have to fake it near them and if things start to feel overwhelming I can just go to my room… actually this was my mum’s idea! When I went home for Easter this year my mum told me she could tell how hard Christmas and New Year’s was for me since James passed… so she told this year me and dad will go to you, you can have your space and be as you want! And that was the best present I could get to be honest! I love my family, but when you are grieving sometimes a very Portuguese family can be too much…

So, during this time of the year be gentle with yourself! Do what is best for you! If you are reading my blog because you want to support someone that is grieving, please let them be… let them cry if they need to… Please don’t tell them their loved one wouldn’t like to see them crying or sad or other cliche stuff, that really doesn’t help and just makes us feel worse…

Hope you have a peaceful December…

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