The widow diary

Another Christmas is here... In my memory our last Christmas is still vivid... It will always be... It was my last truly happy Christmas... Because you were with me... We were so happy... With our Christmas jumpers... I miss you James... Amor da minha vida... Grief is a funny thing... you think you are managing it and then, BUM! Sometimes I wish I just could fall asleep and just wake up when all this season was gone... But at the same time I like to remember all our past Christmas together... all our sweet memories... Sometimes is like you are still here... chilling with me in bed having a cuddle... The grief now is not as raw as 4 years ago, but is still there, always lurking in the backgrownd... I still ask myself how I managed to survive! I still don't have the anwser for that... I guess I just learned to grow around the grief, cushioning the pain of your death with new memories and experiences... Though is always there, trying to escape through some slit in the layers of cus...

December again... the year went so fast... And everywhere you go is Christmas season... Since James passed I stopped enjoying Christmas season... it was too painful... Christmas was our season... We had a big Christmas tree and always tried to get the best sweet present to each other... silly things to make us smile... Since he passed I stopped having a Christmas tree or Christmas decorations at home... I didn't feel ready to celebrate it without him, it was like I didn't feel the Christmas season now that he wasn't here... This year I started to feel it again... not like before, but I started to feel some of the merry of the season... I was in the supermarket and I saw a cute little tree, a really mini Christmas tree... Something inside of me told me to get it, "James would like it"! So for the first time in 4 years I have once again a Christmas tree... Is alive, very small and I just put some lights, but it makes me happy to look at it... I feel like a big ach...