The widow diary

I just got a notification on Facebook, 7 years ago I passed my PhD viva... I was really nervous for the Viva, and James always belived me and was my biggest supporter... On that day I wake up to a postcard and chocolates he had left for me wishing me good luck! I miss him so much... I miss having him cheering me and beliving in me... I miss to get home to him and tell him all about my day... the good and the bad things... I got a promotion at work recently, and he was the person I wanted to tell it... but he wasn't there... I got home and I just could tell it to the walls and to Kiko... none of each will reply to me back and celebrate with me... I miss to celebrate little and big things with him...

In Portugal on the 1st of November is holiday. We celebrate our deseased loved ones. Families adorn the graves of their deseased with flowers and candles, they reunite around the grave that day to listen the blessing from the priest to the dead ones and to pray and remember their beloved deseased. You visit graves of friends and family to pay respect to their memory, you leave flowers or a candle in the grave and talk and remember them with the other friends or family members that are around the grave doing the same... I remember to be at my grandparents grave and people coming and talking about them and how good people they were. My dad and his siblings talking about when they were kids and some funny story envolving them and my grandparents... I always liked to share about when my granddad told me stories from his youth as a shepherd... Being at their grave was like we were with them again, closer... and I always liked to tell them my news... Actually, even during the year I liked to...

When I started this blog last December I did it to help me to put out how it was to be a young widow and suicide loss survival. I never though I would win a prize for my rambles... I am glad that is reaching people, because one of my goals was to my journey to help others in a similar path to see that there is hope, it is hard but we can keep going, some times two steps forward and one backwards, but it is possible to live after loss... Hopefully my words will reach people struggling with their mental health, and help them see that suicide is not the solution, that their pain will just pass on for the ones that love them. This prize is very special for me because it was given to me by other young widowers. Meaning part of what I wished to achieve is happening. So, thank you for reading and for deciding to choose my little blog for this prize! If you want to read more about WAY: https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/ and about this prize: https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/news/congratu...

Sptember is suicice prevention month... Mental health is still a very invisible disease, surrounded by stigma and taboo. Let's be part of the change... How? Little things like be more open to listen to others struggles and don't dismiss them as if it was just them trying to get attention! Be more empathetic, give some of your time to listen... Stop using words like committed, they didn't committed a crime, they died by suicide, due to their mental health problems. They weren't weak or coward or selfish, they were sick! They wanted the pain to end and that was the only way to end it in their minds! Why? Because they weren't thinking straight! They had what I call the "cancer of the mind". They are sick with an invisible sickeness... Let's be part of the change, let's contribute to prevent suicide, let's help who is struggling with their mental helth, with the "cancer of teh mind"!

4 years ago it was his last day on Earth... 4 years ago we talked for the last time... he told me he was feeling better and that I was righ, he should see a doctor! He would do that in the next week because he already had put the week off to rest and spend time with me... he misses me and he will come straight home when the work ends... he tells me what he will be doing to me when he gets home, very naughty things... I laugh, and tell him I can't wait... He is my heart and I miss him so much... I still don't know how I managed to survive 4 years without him... 4 years... I know he would want me to live my life to the full, I am trying... I am trying to live for both of us... I will live for both of us... because while I live he lives and he is not forgotten! James, I love you! I wish you were here now hugging me... I wish all this 4 years were a nightmare and that I would wake up next to you smilling at me... Why this has to be my reality? Why James?... Amor da minha vida... A...

Last Saturday I did something I never though I would do again. I flirted with a guy! Last time I did that was in February 2016, when I met James... I never though I would be able to do it again... I mean I still love James like when he was alive. I guess it helped the cocktails and beers and the fun I was having with my gym friends at the Pride. I felt so in control after that! And powerfull! Apparently I still can chat up a cute guy! And the best part was my friends being happy and excited for my little step into this grieving journey I am in! This event gave me hope for the future, that I am healing and moving forward. I didn't asked his number or gave mine. I am so out of practice that when he told me he was going to the same gym as me (because of my t-shirt), I just told ah ok, hope to see you around, instead of asking him at what days and times he goes to the gym, as my friends pointed out! But it was a first little step and I am so proud of myself! Adapting Neil Armstron...