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People doesn’t know what they are talking about!!!

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When you start your journey of bereavement, people say it will get better with time… People doesn’t know what they are talking about!!! Of course, the shock from the beginning passes, but the grief and the pain?! Oh, that one stays… I am not sad every day, of course not, but is like I miss him even more now more than 4 years after he passed. I guess is that felling of me having to keep moving, to keep living, and he is still there, freeze in the past. Like my love for him… is still there, it will be always there… We aren’t together because we had a fight and decided to end our relationship, we aren’t together because he is dead! And that leaves me like if I was in a limbo… for the world, I am single, but for me I am not, at least I don’t feel like that. I want to… I want to move forward, to meet someone nice, etc, etc, etc… But at the same time, I just can’t… Everything is so contradictory… Sometimes, I still think about joining him… I miss him… and grief is a real pain in the back… ...
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“It is not enough to survive, you have to live”

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I always was a big Bridget Jones fan... I saw all the movies and read all the books... I actually read the last book before widowhood… When I saw the movie "Bridget Jones baby" I remember to complain that the movie didn’t had nothing to do with the books. And that the books were so much better etc… I was so sad for her loss when I read the last book, and I remember to think how hard that much had been (if she was a real person of course)… But I found her inspiring... Mr Darcy was the love of her life and even though he dies she still loves him... She still carries his memory and love with her while she moves forward with her life... She cannot crystallize in that moment... She have 2 kids, she needs to keep going for them... Then in 2020 James passed… I could relate even more with that pain… thinking of that book always gave me hope… I mean if Bridget can so can I, right?… Today I went to see the movie based on the last book, "Mad about the boy"... I went with othe...
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I need his shoulder

Tomorrow would had been our 9th anniversary... Ceramic or Wicker anniversary... Today was a hard day... he was the person I most needed to talk to... I need his shoulder... his hug... But he is not here and I am without his hug to comfort and reassure me... It will be 5 years in July that he took his life, and in days like today all that pain and grief is as raw as when he died... I know I should be gentle with myself and take a day at a time, but sometimes is so hard... My life did not got better without you James... it got much worse...
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2025

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Another year starts... 2025... He is staying more far away from me, though the pain and "saudade" is the same, or even more sometimes... Last night I dreamed about him, that he came back... that he hadn't died... he had been lost and was rescued by a secret and dangerous community... And it was the best feeling to having him again, alive... But then I started asking questions... Why didn't you send news sooner? Why did you let me believe you were dead? Why did you let me suffer? Do you have any idea what I've been through? How was I treated by some people after you died?!… Your face when I told you about that... You couldn't believe the way these people treated me... We hug and with kiss... And then my brain decided to turn all into a Mexican telenovela! You tell me you couldn't leave there because you got kids therr with some women from that community... I snap at you and tell you how could you?! During all this time I was alone, not even a kiss I share...
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Another Christmas is here…

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Another Christmas is here... In my memory our last Christmas is still vivid... It will always be... It was my last truly happy Christmas... Because you were with me... We were so happy... With our Christmas jumpers... I miss you James... Amor da minha vida... Grief is a funny thing... you think you are managing it and then, BUM! Sometimes I wish I just could fall asleep and just wake up when all this season was gone... But at the same time I like to remember all our past Christmas together... all our sweet memories... Sometimes is like you are still here... chilling with me in bed having a cuddle... The grief now is not as raw as 4 years ago, but is still there, always lurking in the backgrownd... I still ask myself how I managed to survive! I still don't have the anwser for that... I guess I just learned to grow around the grief, cushioning the pain of your death with new memories and experiences... Though is always there, trying to escape through some slit in the layers of cus...
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December again…

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December again... the year went so fast... And everywhere you go is Christmas season... Since James passed I stopped enjoying Christmas season... it was too painful... Christmas was our season... We had a big Christmas tree and always tried to get the best sweet present to each other... silly things to make us smile... Since he passed I stopped having a Christmas tree or Christmas decorations at home... I didn't feel ready to celebrate it without him, it was like I didn't feel the Christmas season now that he wasn't here... This year I started to feel it again... not like before, but I started to feel some of the merry of the season... I was in the supermarket and I saw a cute little tree, a really mini Christmas tree... Something inside of me told me to get it, "James would like it"! So for the first time in 4 years I have once again a Christmas tree... Is alive, very small and I just put some lights, but it makes me happy to look at it... I feel like a big ach...
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My biggest supporter

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I just got a notification on Facebook, 7 years ago I passed my PhD viva... I was really nervous for the Viva, and James always belived me and was my biggest supporter... On that day I wake up to a postcard and chocolates he had left for me wishing me good luck! I miss him so much... I miss having him cheering me and beliving in me... I miss to get home to him and tell him all about my day... the good and the bad things... I got a promotion at work recently, and he was the person I wanted to tell it... but he wasn't there... I got home and I just could tell it to the walls and to Kiko... none of each will reply to me back and celebrate with me... I miss to celebrate little and big things with him...
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