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Why inquest is public?

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When I lost James to suicide I had to give a statement to police. It was 2020, Covid19 lockdown time... the statment was over phone. I was in shock with what had happened. English is not my first language. Looking back, Covid or not Covid the police should had come to be to take the statement and with them a mental health counselor... I wasn't given any support from the police. I was asked a statement by the phone, told that just the coroner and the police would read it... Which wasn't correct... They wanted to know how he was during his last months, and made me tell very personal things in that statement, but I wnated to help to find out what had happened, what made him do that... also, I was assure all was private, just between me, the police and the coroner... Then I find out his mother had access to my statement, and that others could request the paperwork for his inquest, because it was public... That my statement could be read in the court and that even the press could be...
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5 years since we talked…

Today makes 5 years since we talked last time... is still so surreal that you aren't here... I miss you so much... I love you as much, or even more, than I loved you 5 years ago... Tomorrow you will be gone for longer than the time we were together, and that is bothering me so much... turning everything even harder... I am trying to keep busy... I have a full day tomorrow with work events... I don't want to think in what happened 5 years ago tomorrow... is too painful... I wish you were here... so many things happened these last 5 years... Are you proud of me babe? Every time I achieve something you are the first person in my mind... I want so much to share all with you... but you aren't here anymore... and is so painful... I know you didn't believe, but I do, so I went to the church today to light a candle for you... It was so peaceful there... I love you meu amor...
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Love is something that you can always add more…

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When you are widow/er soner or latter your friends will start trying to find you a new love... Then you start to think, "but I still love my late partner, I will love them forever! Why my friends are so disrespectful towards my partner?! They used to be friends too!!!" I am sure they told that because they love and cares about you… They want you to be happy again. I am almost 5 years in, I still didn’t had anyone besides my James, but is just because I still didn’t found someone that could make me happy like he did, or maybe because I wasn’t/am ready yet… but I believe he would want me to be happy and find someone new to share my adventures and misadventures… Even if you find someone new that doesn’t mean you stopped loving your late partner.... your love for them never ends, it will be always there with you…. You just opened your heart to more love… When someone have kids, for example, they don't stop loving the first kid after having another, right? Love is something t...
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Happy birthday meu amor

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It is your birthday... he would be 38... forever 33... I hope you like the roses... I couldn't find sunglowers, I guess is not their season yet... I miss you so much... This morning I was thinking on your last birthday alive... I cooked your favourite food and got you a chocolate cake! I still look at the video of us singing happy birthday to you, sometimes... Is a way to remember your smile and voice... Oh meu amor... Why? I miss you so much... If I could have just one wish was to have you back, even if just for 5 minutes, so we could hug and kiss again and know why... I wish I could go back in time... be a time lord like Dr Who and manage to convince you that you were doing the biggest mistake of your live in that day... I love you... Happy birthday meu amor! Amo-te...
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Easter is time of renewal

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Easter is a time of renewal and new beginnings. Let us embrace this season to transform the negatives in our lives into positives — to turn grief, anger, and pain into hope for brighter days ahead. And may we use it to guide others gently toward the light of hope, even in their darkest moments.
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“Don’t you know?”

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"Don't you know? [...] Don't any of you know? That it's you. Not what you can give, or do, or provide. Just you." (A breath of snow and ashes, Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon. I wish he knew... but I guess when you are struggling with your mental helth you don't know... he didn't knew... I wish he had...
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People doesn’t know what they are talking about!!!

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When you start your journey of bereavement, people say it will get better with time… People doesn’t know what they are talking about!!! Of course, the shock from the beginning passes, but the grief and the pain?! Oh, that one stays… I am not sad every day, of course not, but is like I miss him even more now more than 4 years after he passed. I guess is that felling of me having to keep moving, to keep living, and he is still there, freeze in the past. Like my love for him… is still there, it will be always there… We aren’t together because we had a fight and decided to end our relationship, we aren’t together because he is dead! And that leaves me like if I was in a limbo… for the world, I am single, but for me I am not, at least I don’t feel like that. I want to… I want to move forward, to meet someone nice, etc, etc, etc… But at the same time, I just can’t… Everything is so contradictory… Sometimes, I still think about joining him… I miss him… and grief is a real pain in the back… ...
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